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Oct 5, 2021
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Sep 26, 2021
I knew someone would respond on here
Sep 17, 2021
hey if anybody want to talk email me at carlosmewborn0723@ycsd.org to join my zoom meeting
Sep 3, 2021
U do know we can use our phones for this right??
Apr 7, 2021
Attempt to become the most feared gunslinger in the land by defeating all those who stand in your way. GunBlood pits your reflexes against nine computer opponents in one-on-one gun fights and includes four bonus rounds. High scores are tabulated according to accuracy, speed, and your life remaining after each round. At the start of each level, the player and computer opponent each start with 6 shots. If both players are alive and no shots are remaining, the match will end in a draw to be re-played. During each of the four bonus rounds, the goal is to hit the target objects and NOT the assistant. There is a different bonus round after every two rounds of gun battles. Controls / How To Play: 1) Select 'Start Game' and choose a character from the character select screen. 2) Begin the round by placing your cursor over your gun barrel located at the lower left-hand corner of the game screen. 3) The cursor must remain over the barrel during the countdown or the game will become paused. 4) When the countdown reaches 'FIRE', aim with the mouse and shoot by clicking the mouse button. GAME CHEATS: FASTFIRE (click and shoot faster) POINTER (add laser pointer to the gun) NOHIT (invincible mode) MOREAMMO (unlimited ammo) LEVEL CODES: LEVEL1 LEVEL2 LEVEL3 LEVEL4 LEVEL5 LEVEL6 LEVEL7 LEVEL8 LEVEL9 BONUS1 BONUS2 BONUS3 BONUS4
Apr 1, 2021
calm down sheesh u really need to stop being in the kool-aid.
Apr 1, 2021
can i just take a damn moment and ask you guys something? why THE **** are you playing this when a man has just fallen in the river in lego city? huh? no excuses! *scolds you* shameful
Mar 30, 2021
balls
Mar 19, 2021
seems like we won't be on lmpd no more so sucks to be us
Mar 19, 2021
seems like we won't be on lmpd no more so sucks to be us
Mar 19, 2021
seems like we won't be on lmpd no more so sucks to be us
Mar 18, 2021
**** and balls soup
Mar 10, 2021
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII email me at carlosmewborn0723@ycsd.org
Mar 9, 2021
i wish zamasu and black was here so they could wipe this earth.
Mar 9, 2021
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Mar 8, 2021
u know what i was right goku black did rid the universe of humanity for a reason because of shit like this the person from march 6th yea i'm talking to u i wish u would talk **** to me and i don't wanna hear no i'm doing this naw u started this i swear the people that be sexualizing video games like among us' dbz' one peice' just stop no matter how much porn pics of cartoon characters u make there not gonna turn themselves into horny freaks and there not real characters this is really why goku black rid the universe because of this toxic earth.
Mar 7, 2021
omfg stfu
Mar 5, 2021
ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small
Mar 5, 2021
ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small ur dik is small
Mar 3, 2021
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Mar 3, 2021
my email is shutthefuckup@gmail.com
Mar 2, 2021
my email 23smithc@acjettech.net
Mar 1, 2021
and that right there is why black rid the universe of humanity.
Mar 1, 2021
can't i broke my phone so i'm out of options
Mar 1, 2021
Email me at carlosmewborn0723@ycsd.org
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Mar 1, 2021
SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks- of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
Feb 28, 2021
like hell i won't *****
Feb 26, 2021
u aint gonna do **** *****
Feb 25, 2021
i'm sick of hearing this long words now if u don't stop right now i got something for u
Feb 25, 2021
hello
Feb 25, 2021
obbitlike invention, all the same. It was suggested to Bilbo, as he confessed, by Gollum's talk that he overheard; for Gollum did, in fact, call the ring his 'birthday present', many times. That also Gandalf thought strange and suspicious; but he did not discover the truth in this point for many more years, as will be seen in this book. Of Bilbo's later adventures little more need be said here. With the help of the ring he escaped from the orc-guards at the gate and rejoined his companions. He used the ring many times on his quest, chiefly for the help of his friends; but he kept it secret from them as long as he could. After his return to his home he never spoke of it again to anyone, save Gandalf and Frodo; and no one else in the Shire knew of its existence, or so he believed. Only to Frodo did he show the account of his Journey that he was writing. His sword, Sting, Bilbo hung over his fireplace, and his coat of marvellous mail, the gift of the Dwarves from the Dragon-hoard, he lent to a museum, to the Michel Delving Mathom-house in fact. But he kept in a drawer at Bag End the old cloak and hood that he had worn on his travels; and the ring, secured by a fine chain, remained in his pocket. He returned to his home at Bag End on June the 22nd in his fifty-second year (S.R. 1342), and nothing very notable occurred in the Shire until Mr. Baggins began the preparations for the celebration of his hundred-and-eleventh birthday (S.R. 1401). At this point this History begins. 5. Note on the shire records At the end of the Third Age the part played by the Hobbits in the great events that led to the inclusion of the Shire in the Reunited Kingdom awakened among them a more widespread interest in their own history; and many of their traditions, up to that time still mainly oral, were collected and Written down. The greater families were also concerned with events in the Kingdom at large, and many of their members studied its ancient histories and legends. By the end of the first century of the Fourth Age there were already to be found in the Shire several libraries that contained many historical books and records. The largest of these collections were probably at Undertowers, at Great Smials, and at Brandy Hall. This account of the end of the Third Age is drawn mainly from the Red Book of Westmarch. That most important source for the history of the War of the Ring was so called because it was long preserved at Undertowers, the home of the Fairbairns, Wardens of the Westmarch. It was in origin Bilbo's private diary, which he took with him to Rivendell. Frodo brought it back to the Shire, together with many loose leaves of notes, and during S.R. 1420-1 he nearly filled its pages with his account of the War. But annexed to it and preserved with it, probably m a single red case, were the three large volumes, bound in red leather, that Bilbo gave to him as a parting gift. To these four volumes there was added in Westmarch a fifth containing commentaries, genealogies, and various other matter concerning the hobbit members of the Fellowship. The original Red Book has not been preserved, but many copies were made, especially of the first volume, for the use of the descendants of the children of Master Samwise. The most important copy, however, has a different history. It was kept at Great Smials, but it was written in Condor, probably at the request of the great-grandson of Peregrin, and completed in S.R. 1592 (F.A. 172). Its southern scribe appended this note: Findegil, King's Writer, finished this work in IV 172. It is an exact copy in all details of the Thain's Book m Minas Tirith. That book was a copy, made at the request of King Elessar, of the Red Book of the Periannath, and was brought to him by the Thain Peregrin when he retired to Gondor in IV 64. The Thain's Book was thus the first copy made of the Red Book and contained much that was later omitted or lost. In Minas Tirith it received much annotation, and many corrections, especially of names, words, and quotations in the Elvish languages; and there was added to it an abbreviated version of those parts of The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen which lie outside the account of the War. The full tale is stated to have been written by Barahir, grandson of the Steward Faramir, some time after the passing of the King. But the chief importance of Findegil's copy is that it alone contains the whole of Bilbo's 'Translations from the Elvish'. These three volumes were found to be a work of great skill and learning in which, between 1403 and 1418, he had used all the sources available to him in Rivendell, both living and written. But since they were little used by Frodo, being almost entirely concerned with the Elder Days, no more is said of them here. Since Meriadoc and Peregrin became the heads of their great families, and at the same time kept up their connexions with Rohan and Gondor, the libraries at Bucklebury and Tuckborough contained much that did not appear in the Red Book. In Brandy Hall there were many works dealing with Eriador and the history of Rohan. Some of these were composed or begun by Meriadoc himself, though in the Shire he was chiefly remembered for his Herblore of the Shire, and for his Reckoning of Years m which he discussed the relation of the calendars of the Shire and Bree to those of Rivendell, Gondor, and Rohan. He also wrote a short treatise on Old Words and Names in the Shire, having special interest in discovering the kinship with the language of the Rohirrim of such 'shire-words' as mathom and old elements in place names. At Great Smials the books were of less interest to Shire-folk, though more important for larger history. None of them was written by Peregrin, but he and his successors collected many manuscripts written by scribes of Gondor: mainly copies or summaries of histories or legends relating to Elendil and his heirs. Only here in the Shire were to be found extensive materials for the history of Númenor and the arising of Sauron. It was probably at Great Smials that The Tale of Years was put together, with the assistance of material collected by Meriadoc. Though the dates given are often conjectural, especially for the Second Age, they deserve attention. It is probable that Meriadoc obtained assistance and information from Rivendell, which he visited more than once. There, though Elrond had departed, his sons long remained, together with some of the High-elven folk. It is said that Celeborn went to dwell there after the departure of Galadriel; but there is no record of the day when at last he sought the Grey Havens, and with him went the last living memory of the Elder Days in Middle-earth. Book I Chapter 1 A Long-expected Party When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton. Bilbo was very rich and very peculiar, and had been the wonder of the Shire for sixty years, ever since his remarkable disappearance and unexpected return. The riches he had brought back from his travels had now become a local legend, and it was popularly believed, whatever the old folk might say, that the Hill at Bag End was full of tunnels stuffed with treasure. And if that was not enough for fame, there was also his prolonged vigour to marvel at. Time wore on, but it seemed to have little effect on Mr. Baggins. At ninety he was much the same as at fifty. At ninety-nine they began to call him well-preserved, but unchanged would have been nearer the mark. There were some that shook their heads and thought this was too much of a good thing; it seemed unfair that anyone should possess (apparently) perpetual youth as well as (reputedly) inexhaustible wealth. ‘It will have to be paid for,’ they said. ‘It isn’t natural, and trouble will come of it!’ But so far trouble had not come; and as Mr. Baggins was generous with his money, most people were willing to forgive him his oddities and his good fortune. He remained on visiting terms with his relatives (except, of course, the Sackville-Bagginses), and he had many devoted admirers among the hobbits of poor and unimportant families. But he had no close friends, until some of his younger cousins began to grow up. The eldest of these, and Bilbo’s favourite, was young Frodo Baggins. When Bilbo was ninety-nine, he adopted Frodo as his heir, and brought him to live at Bag End; and the hopes of the Sackville-Bagginses were finally dashed. Bilbo and Frodo happened to have the same birthday, September 22nd. ‘You had better come and live here, Frodo my lad,’ said Bilbo one day; ‘and then we can celebrate our birthday-parties comfortably together.’ At that time Frodo was still in his tweens, as the hobbits called the irresponsible twenties between childhood and coming of age at thirty-three. Twelve more years passed. Each year the Bagginses had given very lively combined birthday-parties at Bag End; but now it was understood that something quite exceptional was being planned for that autumn. Bilbo was going to be eleventy-one, 111, a rather curious number and a very respectable age for a hobbit (the Old Took himself had only reached 130); and Frodo was going to be thirty-three, 33) an important number: the date of his ‘coming of age’. Tongues began to wag in Hobbiton and Bywater; and rumour of the coming event travelled all over the Shire. The history and character of Mr. Bilbo Baggins became once again the chief topic of conversation; and the older folk suddenly found their reminiscences in welcome demand. No one had a more attentive audience than old Ham Gamgee, commonly known as the Gaffer. He held forth at The Ivy Bush, a small inn on the Bywater road; and he spoke with some authority, for he had tended the garden at Bag End for forty years, and had helped old Holman in the same job before that. Now that he was himself growing old and stiff in the joints, the job was mainly carried on by his youngest son, Sam Gamgee. Both father and son were on very friendly terms with Bilbo and Frodo. They lived on the Hill itself, in Number 3 Bagshot Row just below Bag End. ‘A very nice well-spoken gentlehobbit is Mr. Bilbo, as I’ve always said,’ the Gaffer declared. With perfect truth: for Bilbo was very polite to him, calling him ‘Master Hamfast’, and consulting him constantly upon the growing of vegetables - in the matter of ‘roots’, especially potatoes, the Gaffer was recognized as the leading authority by all in the neighbourhood (including himself). ‘But what about this Frodo that lives with him?’ asked Old Noakes of Bywater. ‘Baggins is his name, but he’s more than half a Brandybuck, they say. It beats me why any Baggins of Hobbiton should go looking for a wife away there in Buckland, where folks are so queer.’ ‘And no wonder they’re queer,’ put in Daddy Twofoot (the Gaffer’s next-door neighbour), ‘if they live on the wrong side of the Brandywine River, and right agin the Old Forest. That’s a dark bad place, if half the tales be true.’ ‘You’re right, Dad!’ said the Gaffer. ‘Not that the Brandybucks of Buck-land live in the Old Forest; but they’re a queer breed, seemingly. They fool about with boats on that big river - and that isn’t natural. Small wonder that trouble came of it, I say. But be that as it may, Mr. Frodo is as nice a young hobbit as you could wish to meet. Very much like Mr. Bilbo, and in more than looks. After all his father was a Baggins. A decent respectable hobbit was Mr. Drogo Baggins; there was never much to tell of him, till he was drownded.’ ‘Drownded?’ said several voices. They had heard this and other darker rumours before, of course; but hobbits have a passion for family history, and they were ready to hear it again. ‘Well, so they say,’ said the Gaffer. ‘You see: Mr. Drogo, he married poor Miss Primula Brandybuck. She was our Mr. Bilbo’s first cousin on the mother’s side (her mother being the youngest of the Old Took’s daughters); and Mr. Drogo was his second cousin. So Mr. Frodo is his first and second cousin, once removed either way, as the saying is, if you follow me. And Mr. Drogo was staying at Brandy Hall with his father-in-law, old Master Gorbadoc, as he often did after his marriage (him being partial to his vittles, and old Gorbadoc keeping a mighty generous table); and he went out boating on the Brandywine River; and he and his wife were drownded, and poor Mr. Frodo only a child and all. ‘ ‘I’ve heard they went on the water after dinner in the moonlight,’ said Old Noakes; ‘and it was Drogo’s weight as sunk the boat.’ ‘And I heard she pushed him in, and he pulled her in after him,’ said Sandyman, the Hobbiton miller. ‘You shouldn’t listen to all you hear, Sandyman,’ said the Gaffer, who did not much like the miller. ‘There isn’t no call to go talking of pushing and pulling. Boats are quite tricky enough for those that sit still without looking further for the cause of trouble. Anyway: there was this Mr. Frodo left an orphan and stranded, as you might say, among those queer Bucklanders, being brought up anyhow in Brandy Hall. A regular warren, by all accounts. Old Master Gorbadoc never had fewer than a couple of hundred relations in the place. Mr. Bilbo never did a kinder deed than when he brought the lad back to live among decent folk. ‘But I reckon it was a nasty shock for those Sackville-Bagginses. They thought they were going to get Bag End, that time when he went off and was thought to be dead. And then he comes back and orders them off; and he goes on living and living, and never looking a day older, bless him! And suddenly he produces an heir, and has all the papers made out proper. The Sackville-Bagginses won’t never see the inside of Bag End now, or it is to be hoped not.’ ‘There’s a tidy bit of money tucked away up there, I hear tell,’ said a stranger, a visitor on business from Michel Delving in the Westfarthing. ‘All the top of your hill is full of tunnels packed with chests of gold and silver, and jools, by what I’ve heard. ‘ ‘Then you’ve heard more than I can speak to,’ answered the Gaffer. I know nothing about jools. Mr. Bilbo is free with his money, and there seems no lack of it; but I know of no tunnel-making. I saw Mr. Bilbo when he came back, a matter of sixty years ago, when I was a lad. I’d not long come prentice to old Holman (him being my dad’s cousin), but he had me up at Bag End helping him to keep folks from trampling and trapessing all over the garden while the sale was on. And in the middle of it all Mr. Bilbo comes up the Hill with a pony and some mighty big bags and a couple of chests. I don’t doubt they were mostly full of treasure he had picked up in foreign parts, where there be mountains of gold, they say; but there wasn’t enough to fill tunnels. But my lad Sam will know more about that. He’s in and out of Bag End. Crazy about stories of the old days he is, and he listens to all Mr. Bilbo’s tales. Mr. Bilbo has learned him his letters - meaning no harm, mark you, and I hope no harm will come of it. ‘Elves and Dragons’ I says to him. ‘Cabbages and potatoes are better for me and you. Don’t go getting mixed up in the business of your betters, or you’ll land in trouble too big for you,’ I says to him. And I might say it to others,’ he added with a look at the stranger and the miller. But the Gaffer did not convince his audience. The legend of Bilbo’s wealth was now too firmly fixed in the minds of the younger generation of hobbits. ‘Ah, but he has likely enough been adding to what he brought at first,’ argued the miller, voicing common opinion. ‘He’s often away from home. And look at the outlandish folk that visit him: dwarves coming at night, and that old wandering conjuror, Gandalf, and all. You can say what you like, Gaffer, but Bag End’s a ***** place, and its folk are queerer.’ ‘And you can say what you like, about what you know no more of than you do of boating, Mr. Sandyman,’ retorted the Gaffer, disliking the miller even more than usual. If that’s being *****, then we could do with a bit more queerness in these parts. There’s some not far away that wouldn’t offer a pint of beer to a friend, if they lived in a hole with golden walls. But they do things proper at Bag End. Our Sam says that everyone’s going to be invited to the party, and there’s going to be presents, mark you, presents for all - this very month as is.’ That very month was September, and as fine as you could ask. A day or two later a rumour (probably started by the knowledgeable Sam) was spread about that there were going to be fireworks - fireworks, what is more, such as had not been seen in the Shire for nigh on a century, not indeed since the Old Took died. Days passed and The Day drew nearer. An odd-looking waggon laden with odd-looking packages rolled into Hobbiton one evening and toiled up the Hill to Bag End. The startled hobbits peered out of lamplit doors to gape at it. It was driven by outlandish folk, singing strange songs: dwarves with long beards and deep hoods. A few of them remained at Bag End. At the end of the second week in September a cart came in through Bywater from the direction of the Brandywine Bridge in broad daylight. An old man was driving it all alone. He wore a tall pointed blue hat, a long grey cloak, and a silver scarf. He had a long white beard and bushy eyebrows that stuck out beyond the brim of his hat. Small hobbit-children ran after the cart all through Hobbiton and right up the hill. It had a cargo of fireworks, as they rightly guessed. At Bilbo’s front door the old man began to unload: there were great bundles of fireworks of all sorts and shapes, each labelled with a large red G and the elf-rune, . That was Gandalf’s mark, of course, and the old man was Gandalf the Wizard, whose fame in the Shire was due mainly to his skill with fires, smokes, and lights. His real business was far more difficult and dangerous, but the Shire-folk knew nothing about it. To them he was just one of the ‘attractions’ at the Party. Hence the excitement of the hobbit-children. ‘G for Grand!’ they shouted, and the old man smiled. They knew him by sight, though he only appeared in Hobbiton occasionally and never stopped long; but neither they nor any but the oldest of their elders had seen one of his firework displays - they now belonged to the legendary past. When the old man, helped by Bilbo and some dwarves, had finished unloading. Bilbo gave a few pennies away; but not a single squib or cracker was forthcoming, to the disappointment of the onlookers. ‘Run away now!’ said Gandalf. ‘You will get plenty when the time comes.’ Then he disappeared inside with Bilbo, and the door was shut. The young hobbits stared at the door in vain for a while, and then made off, feeling that the day of the party would never come. Inside Bag End, Bilbo and Gandalf were sitting at the open window of a small room looking out west on to the garden. The late afternoon was bright and peaceful. The flowers glowed red and golden: snap-dragons and sun-flowers, and nasturtiums trailing all over the turf walls and peeping in at the round windows. ‘How bright your garden looks!’ said Gandalf. ‘Yes,’ said Bilbo. I am very fond indeed of it, and of all the dear old Shire; but I think I need a holiday.’ ‘You mean to go on with your plan then?’ ‘I do. I made up my mind months ago, and I haven’t changed it.’ ‘Very well. It is no good saying any more. Stick to your plan - your whole plan, mind - and I hope it will turn out for the best, for you, and for all of us.’ ‘I hope so. Anyway I mean to enjoy myself on Thursday, and have my little joke.’ ‘Who will laugh, I wonder?’ said Gandalf, shaking his head. ‘We shall see,’ said Bilbo. The next day more carts rolled up the Hill, and still more carts. There might have been some grumbling about ‘dealing locally’, but that very week orders began to pour out of Bag End for every kind of provision, commodity, or luxury that could be obtained in Hobbiton or Bywater or anywhere in the neighbourhood. People became enthusiastic; and they began to tick off the days on the calendar; and they watched eagerly for the postman, hoping for invitations. Before long the invitations began pouring out, and the Hobbiton post-office was blocked, and the Bywater post-office was snowed under, and voluntary assistant postmen were called for. There was a constant stream of them going up the Hill, carrying hundreds of polite variations on Thank you, I shall certainly come. A notice appeared on the gate at Bag End: no admittance except on party business. Even those who had, or pretended to have Party Business were seldom allowed inside. Bilbo was busy: writing invitations, ticking off answers, packing up presents, and making some private preparations of his own. From the time of Gandalf’s arrival he remained hidden from view. One morning the hobbits woke to find the large field, south of Bilbo’s front door, covered with ropes and poles for tents and pavilions. A special entrance was cut into the bank leading to the road, and wide steps and a large white gate were built there. The three hobbit-families of Bagshot Row, adjoining the field, were intensely interested and generally envied. Old Gaffer Gamgee stopped even pretending to work in his garden. The tents began to go up. There was a specially large pavilion, so big that the tree that grew in the field was right inside it, and stood proudly near one end, at the head of the chief table. Lanterns were hung on all its branches. More promising still (to the hobbits’ mind): an enormous open-air kitchen was erected in the north corner of the field. A draught of cooks, from every inn and eating-house for miles around, arrived to supplement the dwarves and other odd folk that were quartered at Bag End. Excitement rose to its height. Then the weather clouded over. That was on Wednesday the eve of the Party. Anxiety was intense. Then Thursday, September the 22nd, actually dawned. The sun got up, the clouds vanished, flags were unfurled and the fun began. Bilbo Baggins called it a party, but it was really a variety of entertainments rolled into one. Practically everybody living near was invited. A very few were overlooked by accident, but as they turned up all the same, that did not matter. Many people from other parts of the Shire were also asked; and there were even a few from outside the borders. Bilbo met the guests (and additions) at the new white gate in person. He gave away presents to all and sundry - the latter were those who went out again by a back way and came in again by the gate. Hobbits give presents to other people on their own birthdays. Not very expensive ones, as a rule, and not so lavishly as on this occasion; but it was not a bad system. Actually in Hobbiton and Bywater every day in the year it was somebody’s birthday, so that every hobbit in those parts had a fair chance of at least one present at least once a week. But they never got tired of them. On this occasion the presents were unusually good. The hobbit-children were so excited that for a while they almost forgot about eating. There were toys the like of which they had never seen before, all beautiful and some obviously magical. Many of them had indeed been ordered a year before, and had come all the way from the Mountain and from Dale, and were of real dwarf-make. When every guest had been welcomed and was finally inside the gate, there were songs, dances, music, games, and, of course, food and drink. There were three official meals: lunch, tea, and dinner (or supper). But lunch and tea were marked chiefly by the fact that at those times all the guests were sitting down and eating together. At other times there were merely lots of people eating and drinking - continuously from elevenses until six-thirty, when the fireworks started. The fireworks were by Gandalf: they were not only brought by him, but designed and made by him; and the special effects, set pieces, and flights of rockets were let off by him. But there was also a generous distribution of squibs, crackers, backarappers, sparklers, torches, dwarf-candles, elf-fountains, goblin-barkers and thunder-claps. They were all superb. The art of Gandalf improved with age. There were rockets like a flight of scintillating birds singing with sweet voices. There were green trees with trunks of dark smoke: their leaves opened like a whole spring unfolding in a moment, and their shining branches dropped glowing flowers down upon the astonished hobbits, disappearing with a sweet scent just before they touched their upturned faces. There were fountains of butterflies that flew glittering into the trees; there were pillars of coloured fires that rose and turned into eagles, or sailing ships, or a phalanx of flying swans; there was a red thunderstorm and a shower of yellow rain; there was a forest of silver spears that sprang suddenly into the air with a yell like an embattled army, and came down again into the Water with a hiss like a hundred hot snakes. And there was also one last surprise, in honour of Bilbo, and it startled the hobbits exceedingly, as Gandalf intended. The lights went out. A great smoke went up. It shaped itself like a mountain seen in the distance, and began to glow at the summit. It spouted green and scarlet flames. Out flew a red-golden dragon - not life-size, but terribly life-like: fire came from his jaws, his eyes glared down; there was a roar, and he whizzed three times over the heads of the crowd. They all ducked, and many fell flat on their faces. The dragon passed like an express train, turned a somersault, and burst over Bywater with a deafening explosion. ‘That is the signal for supper!’ said Bilbo. The pain and alarm vanished at once, and the prostrate hobbits leaped to their feet. There was a splendid supper for everyone; for everyone, that is, except those invited to the special family dinner-party. This was held in the great pavilion with the tree. The invitations were limited to twelve dozen (a number also called by the hobbits one Gross, though the word was not considered proper to use of people); and the guests were selected from all the families to which Bilbo and Frodo were related, with the addition of a few special unrelated friends (such as Gandalf). Many young hobbits were included, and present by parental permission; for hobbits were easy-going with their children in the matter of sitting up late, especially when there was a chance of getting them a free meal. Bringing up young hobbits took a lot of provender. There were many Bagginses and Boffins, and also many Tooks and Brandybucks; there were various Grubbs (relations of Bilbo Baggins’ grandmother), and various Chubbs (connexions of his Took grandfather); and a selection of Burrowses, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Brockhouses, Goodbodies, Hornblowers and Proudfoots. Some of these were only very distantly connected with Bilbo, and some of them had hardly ever been in Hobbiton before, as they lived in remote corners of the Shire. The Sackville-Bagginses were not forgotten. Otho and his wife Lobelia were present. They disliked Bilbo and detested Frodo, but so magnificent was the invitation card, written in golden ink, that they had felt it was impossible to refuse. Besides, their cousin, Bilbo, had been specializing in food for many years and his table had a high reputation. All the one hundred and forty-four guests expected a pleasant feast; though they rather dreaded the after-dinner speech of their host (an inevitable item). He was liable to drag in bits of what he called poetry; and sometimes, after a glass or two, would allude to the absurd adventures of his mysterious journey. The guests were not disappointed: they had a very pleasant feast, in fact an engrossing entertainment: rich, abundant, varied, and prolonged. The purchase of provisions fell almost to nothing throughout the district in the ensuing weeks; but as Bilbo’s catering had depleted the stocks of most stores, cellars and warehouses for miles around, that did not matter much. After the feast (more or less) came the Speech. Most of the company were, however, now in a tolerant mood, at that delightful stage which they called ‘filling up the corners’. They were sipping their favourite drinks, and nibbling at their favourite dainties, and their fears were forgotten. They were prepared to listen to anything, and to cheer at every full stop. My dear People, began Bilbo, rising in his place. ‘Hear! Hear! Hear!’ they shouted, and kept on repeating it in chorus, seeming reluctant to follow their own advice. Bilbo left his place and went and stood on a chair under the illuminated tree. The light of the lanterns fell on his beaming face; the golden buttons shone on his embroidered silk waistcoat. They could all see him standing, waving one hand in the air, the other was in his trouser-pocket. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, he began again; and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. ‘ProudFEET!’ shouted an elderly hobbit from the back of the pavilion. His name, of course, was Proudfoot, and well merited; his feet were large, exceptionally furry, and both were on the table. Proudfoots, repeated Bilbo. Also my good Sackville-Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today! ‘Hurray! Hurray! Many Happy Returns!’ they shouted, and they hammered joyously on the tables. Bilbo was doing splendidly. This was the sort of stuff they liked: short and obvious. / hope you are all enjoying yourselves as much as I am. Deafening cheers. Cries of Yes (and No). Noises of trumpets and horns, pipes and flutes, and other musical instruments. There were, as has been said, many young hobbits present. Hundreds of musical crackers had been pulled. Most of them bore the mark dale on them; which did not convey much to most of the hobbits, but they all agreed they were marvellous crackers. They contained instruments, small, but of perfect make and enchanting tones. Indeed, in one corner some of the young Tooks and Brandybucks, supposing Uncle Bilbo to have finished (since he had plainly said all that was necessary), now got up an impromptu orchestra, and began a merry dance-tune. Master Everard Took and Miss Melilot Brandybuck got on a table and with bells in their hands began to dance the Springle-ring: a pretty dance, but rather vigorous. But Bilbo had not finished. Seizing a horn from a youngster near by, he blew three loud hoots. The noise subsided. / shall not keep you long, he cried. Cheers from all the assembly. / have called you all together for a Purpose. Something in the way that he said this made an impression. There was almost silence, and one or two of the Tooks pricked up their ears. Indeed, for Three Purposes! First of all, to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all, and that eleventy-one years is too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits. Tremendous outburst of approval. / don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. This was unexpected and rather difficult. There was some scattered clapping, but most of them were trying to work it out and see if it came to a compliment. Secondly, to celebrate my birthday. Cheers again. / should say: OUR birthday. For it is, of course, also the birthday of my heir and nephew, Frodo. He comes of age and into his inheritance today. Some perfunctory clapping by the elders; and some loud shouts of ‘Frodo! Frodo! Jolly old Frodo,’ from the juniors. The Sackville-Bagginses scowled, and wondered what was meant by ‘coming into his inheritance’. Together we score one hundred and forty-four. Your numbers were chosen to fit this remarkable total: One Gross, if I may use the expression. No cheers. This was ridiculous. Many of his guests, and especially the Sackville-Bagginses, were insulted, feeling sure they had only been asked to fill up the required number, like goods in a package. ‘One Gross, indeed! Vulgar expression.’ It is also, if I may be allowed to refer to ancient history, the anniversary of my arrival by barrel at Esgaroth on the Long Lake; though the fact that it was my birthday slipped my memory on that occasion. I was only fifty-one then, and birthdays did not seem so important. The banquet was very splendid, however, though I had a bad cold at the time, I remember, and could only say ‘thag you very buch’. I now repeat it more correctly: Thank you very much for coming to my little party. Obstinate silence. They all feared that a song or some poetry was now imminent; and they were getting bored. Why couldn’t he stop talking and let them drink his health? But Bilbo did not sing or recite. He paused for a moment. Thirdly and finally, he said, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT. He spoke this last word so loudly and suddenly that everyone sat up who still could. I regret to announce that - though, as I said, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to spend among you - this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOOD-BYE! He stepped down and vanished. There was a blinding flash of light, and the guests all blinked. When they opened their eyes Bilbo was nowhere to be seen. One hundred and forty-four flabbergasted hobbits sat back speechless. Old Odo Proudfoot removed his feet from the table and stamped. Then there was a dead silence, until suddenly, after several deep breaths, every Baggins, Boffin, Took, Brandybuck, Grubb, Chubb, Burrows, Bolger, Bracegirdle, Brockhouse, Goodbody, Hornblower, and Proudfoot began to talk at once. It was generally agreed that the joke was in very bad taste, and more food and drink were needed to cure the guests of shock and annoyance. ‘He’s mad. I always said so,’ was probably the most popular comment. Even the Tooks (with a few exceptions) thought Bilbo’s behaviour was absurd. For the moment most of them took it for granted that his disappearance was nothing more than a ridiculous prank. But old Rory Brandybuck was not so sure. Neither age nor an enormous dinner had clouded his wits, and he said to his daughter-in-law, Esmeralda: ‘There’s something fishy in this, my dear! I believe that mad Baggins is off again. Silly old fool. But why worry? He hasn’t taken the vittles with him.’ He called loudly to Frodo to send the wine round again. Frodo was the only one present who had said nothing. For some time he had sat silent beside Bilbo’s empty chair, and ignored all remarks and questions. He had enjoyed the joke, of course, even though he had been in the know. He had difficulty in keeping from laughter at the indignant surprise of the guests. But at the same time he felt deeply troubled: he realized suddenly that he loved the old hobbit dearly. Most of the guests went on eating and drinking and discussing Bilbo Baggins’ oddities, past and present; but the Sackville-Bagginses had already departed in wrath. Frodo did not want to have any more to do with the party. He gave orders for more wine to be served; then he got up and drained his own glass silently to the health of Bilbo, and slipped out of the pavilion. As for Bilbo Baggins, even while he was making his speech, he had been fingering the golden ring in his pocket: his magic ring that he had kept secret for so many years. As he stepped down he slipped it on his finger, and he was never seen by any hobbit in Hobbiton again. He walked briskly back to his hole, and stood for a moment listening with a smile to the din in the pavilion and to the sounds of merrymaking in other parts of the field. Then he went in. He took off his party clothes, folded up and wrapped in tissue-paper his embroidered silk waistcoat, and put it away. Then he put on quickly some old untidy garments, and fastened round his waist a worn leather belt. On it he hung a short sword in a battered black-leather scabbard. From a locked drawer, smelling of moth-balls, he took out an old cloak and hood. They had been locked up as if they were very precious, but they were so patched and weatherstained that their original colour could hardly be guessed: it might have been dark green. They were rather too large for him. He then went into his study, and from a large strong-box took out a bundle wrapped in old cloths, and a leather-bound manuscript; and also a large bulky envelope. The book and bundle he stuffed into the top of a heavy bag that was standing there, already nearly full. Into the envelope he slipped his golden ring, and its fine chain, and then sealed it, and addressed it to Frodo. At first he put it on the mantelpiece, but suddenly he removed it and stuck it in his pocket. At that moment the door opened and Gandalf came quickly in. ‘Hullo!’ said Bilbo. 'I wondered if you would turn up.’ 'I am glad to find you visible,’ replied the wizard, sitting down in a chair, 'I wanted to catch you and have a few final words. I suppose you feel that everything has gone off splendidly and according to plan?’ ‘Yes, I do,’ said Bilbo. "Though that flash was surprising: it quite startled me, let alone the others. A little addition of your own, I suppose?’ It was. You have wisely kept that ring secret all these years, and it seemed to me necessary to give your guests something else that would seem to explain your sudden vanishment.’ ‘And would spoil my joke. You are an interfering old busybody,’ laughed Bilbo, ‘but I expect you know best, as usual.’ ‘I do - when I know anything. But I don’t feel too sure about this whole affair. It has now come to the final point. You have had your joke, and alarmed or offended most of your relations, and given the whole Shire something to talk about for nine days, or ninety-nine more likely. Are you going any further?’ ‘Yes, I am. I feel I need a holiday, a very long holiday, as I have told you before. Probably a permanent holiday: I don’t expect I shall return. In fact, I don’t mean to, and I have made all arrangements. 'I am old, Gandalf. I don’t look it, but I am beginning to feel it in my heart of hearts. Well-preserved indeed!’ he snorted. ‘Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. That can’t be right. I need a change, or something.’ Gandalf looked curiously and closely at him. ‘No, it does not seem right,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘No, after all I believe your plan is probably the best.’ ‘Well, I’ve made up my mind, anyway. I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains, and then find somewhere where I can rest. In peace and quiet, without a lot of relatives prying around, and a string of confounded visitors hanging on the bell. I might find somewhere where I can finish my book. I have thought of a nice ending for it: and he lived happily ever after to the end of his days. ‘ Gandalf laughed. I hope he will. But nobody will read the book, however it ends.’ ‘Oh, they may, in years to come. Frodo has read some already, as far as it has gone. You’ll keep an eye on Frodo, won’t you?’ ‘Yes, I will - two eyes, as often as I can spare them.’ ‘He would come with me, of course, if I asked him. In fact he offered to once, just before the party. But he does not really want to, yet. I want to see the wild country again before I die, and the Mountains; but he is still in love with the Shire, with woods and fields and little rivers. He ought to be comfortable here. I am leaving everything to him, of course, except a few oddments. I hope he will be happy, when he gets used to being on his own. It’s time he was his own master now.’ ‘Everything?’ said Gandalf. ‘The ring as well? You agreed to that, you remember.’ ‘Well, er, yes, I suppose so,’ stammered Bilbo. ‘Where is it?’ ‘In an envelope, if you must know,’ said Bilbo impatiently. ‘There on the mantelpiece. Well, no! Here it is in my pocket!’ He hesitated. ‘Isn’t that odd now?’ he said softly to himself. ‘Yet after all, why not? Why shouldn’t it stay there?’ Gandalf looked again very hard at Bilbo, and there was a gleam in his eyes. ‘I think, Bilbo,’ he said quietly, ‘I should leave it behind. Don’t you want to?’ ‘Well yes - and no. Now it comes to it, I don’t like parting with it at all, I may say. And I don’t really see why I should. Why do you want me to?’ he asked, and a curious change came over his voice. It was sharp with suspicion and annoyance. ‘You are always badgering me about my ring; but you have never bothered me about the other things that I got on my journey.’ ‘No, but I had to badger you,’ said Gandalf. ‘I wanted the truth. It was important. Magic rings are - well, magical; and they are rare and curious. I was professionally interested in your ring, you may say; and I still am. I should like to know where it is, if you go wandering again. Also I think you have had it quite long enough. You won’t need it any more. Bilbo, unless I am quite mistaken.’ Bilbo flushed, and there was an angry light in his eyes. His kindly face grew hard. ‘Why not?’ he cried. ‘And what business is it of yours, anyway, to know what I do with my own things? It is my own. I found it. It came to me.’ ‘Yes, yes,’ said Gandalf. ‘But there is no need to get angry.’ ‘If I am it is your fault,’ said Bilbo. ‘It is mine, I tell you. My own. My precious. Yes, my precious.’ The wizard’s face remained grave and attentive, and only a flicker in his deep eyes showed that he was startled and indeed alarmed. ‘It has been called that before,’ he said, ‘but not by you.’ ‘But I say it now. And why not? Even if Gollum said the same once. It’s not his now, but mine. And I shall keep it, I say.’ Gandalf stood up. He spoke sternly. ‘You will be a fool if you do. Bilbo,’ he said. ‘You make that clearer with every word you say. It has got far too much hold on you. Let it go! And then you can go yourself, and be free.’ ‘I’ll do as I choose and go as I please,’ said Bilbo obstinately. ‘Now, now, my dear hobbit! ‘ said Gandalf. ‘All your long life we have been friends, and you owe me something. Come! Do as you promised: give it up! ‘ ‘Well, if you want my ring yourself, say so!’ cried Bilbo. ‘But you won’t get it. I won’t give my precious away, I tell you.’ His hand strayed to the hilt of his small sword. Gandalf’s eyes flashed. It will be my turn to get angry soon,’ he said. If you say that again, I shall. Then you will see Gandalf the Grey uncloaked.’ He took a step towards the hobbit, and he seemed to grow tall and menacing; his shadow filled the little room. Bilbo backed away to the wall, breathing hard, his hand clutching at his pocket. They stood for a while facing one another, and the air of the room tingled. Gandalf’s eyes remained bent on the hobbit. Slowly his hands relaxed, and he began to tremble. ‘I don’t know what has come over you, Gandalf,’ he said. ‘You have never been like this before. What is it all about? It is mine isn’t it? I found it, and Gollum would have killed me, if I hadn’t kept it. I’m not a thief, whatever he said.’ ‘I have never called you one,’ Gandalf answered. ‘And I am not one either. I am not trying to rob you, but to help you. I wish you would trust me, as you used.’ He turned away, and the shadow passed. He seemed to dwindle again to an old grey man, bent and troubled. Bilbo drew his hand over his eyes. I am sorry,’ he said. ‘But I felt so *****. And yet it would be a relief in a way not to be bothered with it any more. It has been so growing on my mind lately. Sometimes I have felt it was like an eye looking at me. And I am always wanting to put it on and disappear, don’t you know; or wondering if it is safe, and pulling it out to make sure. I tried locking it up, but I found I couldn’t rest without it in my ‘That’s interesting,’ said Gandalf. ‘Well, what did you think of it all?’ ‘If you mean, inventing all that about a "present", well, I thought the true story much more likely, and I couldn’t see the point of altering it at all. It was very unlike Bilbo to do so, anyway; and I thought it rather odd.’ ‘So did I. But odd things may happen to people that have such treasures - if they use them. Let it be a warning to you to be very careful with it. It may have other powers than just making you vanish when you wish to.’ ‘I don’t understand,’ said Frodo. ‘Neither do I,’ answered the wizard. ‘I have merely begun to wonder about the ring, especially since last night. No need to worry. But if you take my advice you will use it very seldom, or not at all. At least I beg you not to use it in any way that will cause talk or rouse suspicion. I say again: keep it safe, and keep it secret!’ ‘You are very mysterious! What are you afraid of?’ ‘I am not certain, so I will say no more. I may be able to tell you something when I come back. I am going off at once: so this is good-bye for the present.’ He got up. ‘At once!’ cried Frodo. ‘Why, I thought you were staying on for at least a week. I was looking forward to your help.’ ‘I did mean to - but I have had to change my mind. I may be away for a good while; but I’ll come and see you again, as soon as I can. Expect me when you see me! I shall slip in quietly. I shan’t often be visiting the Shire openly again. I find that I have become rather unpopular. They say I am a nuisance and a disturber of the peace. Some people are actually accusing me of spiriting Bilbo away, or worse. If you want to know, there is supposed to be a plot between you and me to get hold of his wealth.’ ‘Some people!’ exclaimed Frodo. ‘You mean Otho and Lobelia. How abominable! I would give them Bag End and everything else, if I could get Bilbo back and go off tramping in the country with him. I love the Shire. But I begin to wish, somehow, that I had gone too. I wonder if I shall ever see him again.’ ‘So do I,’ said Gandalf. ‘And I wonder many other things. Good-bye now! Take care of yourself! Look out for me, especially at unlikely times! Good-bye!’ Frodo saw him to the door. He gave a final wave of his hand, and walked off at a surprising pace; but Frodo thought the old wizard looked unusually bent, almost as if he was carrying a great weight. The evening was closing in, and his cloaked figure quickly vanished into the twilight. Frodo did not see him again for a long time. Chapter 2 The Shadow of the Past The talk did not die down in nine or even ninety-nine days. The second disappearance of Mr. Bilbo Baggins was discussed in Hobbiton, and indeed all over the Shire, for a year and a day, and was remembered much longer than that. It became a fireside-story for young hobbits; and eventually Mad Baggins, who used to vanish with a bang and a flash and reappear with bags of jewels and gold, became a favourite character of legend and lived on long after all the true events were forgotten. But in the meantime, the general opinion in the neighbourhood was that Bilbo, who had always been rather cracked, had at last gone quite mad, and had run off into the Blue. There he had undoubtedly fallen into a pool or a river and come to a tragic, but hardly an untimely, end. The blame was mostly laid on Gandalf. ‘If only that dratted wizard will leave young Frodo alone, perhaps he’ll settle down and grow some hobbit-sense,’ they said. And to all appearance the wizard did leave Frodo alone, and he did settle down, but the growth of hobbit-sense was not very noticeable. Indeed, he at once began to carry on Bilbo’s reputation for oddity. He refused to go into mourning; and the next year he gave a party in honour of Bilbo’s hundred-and-twelfth birthday, which he called Hundred-weight Feast. But that was short of the mark, for twenty guests were invited and there were several meals at which it snowed food and rained drink, as hobbits say. Some people were rather shocked; but Frodo kept up the custom of giving Bilbo’s Birthday Party year after year until they got used to it. He said that he did not think Bilbo was dead. When they asked: ‘Where is he then?’ he shrugged his shoulders. He lived alone, as Bilbo had done; but he had a good many friends, especially among the younger hobbits (mostly descendants of the Old Took) who had as children been fond of Bilbo and often in and out of Bag End. Folco Boffin and Fredegar Bolger were two of these; but his closest friends were Peregrin Took (usually called Pippin), and Merry Brandybuck (his real name was Meriadoc, but that was seldom remembered). Frodo went tramping all over the Shire with them; but more often he wandered by himself, and to the amazement of sensible folk he was sometimes seen far from home walking in the hills and woods under the starlight. Merry and Pippin suspected that he visited the Elves at times, as Bilbo had done. As time went on, people began to notice that Frodo also showed signs of good ‘preservation’: outwardly he retained the appearance of a robust and energetic hobbit just out of his tweens. ‘Some folk have all the luck,’ they said; but it was not until Frodo approached the usually more sober age of fifty that they began to think it queer. Frodo himself, after the first shock, found that being his own master and the Mr. Baggins of Bag End was rather pleasant. For some years he was quite happy and did not worry much about the future. But half unknown to himself the regret that he had not gone with Bilbo was steadily growing. He found himself wondering at times, especially in the autumn, about the wild lands, and strange visions of mountains that he had never seen came into his dreams. He began to say to himself: ‘Perhaps I shall cross the River myself one day.’ To which the other half of his mind always replied: ‘Not yet.’ So it went on, until his forties were running out, and his fiftieth birthday was drawing near: fifty was a number that he felt was somehow significant (or ominous); it was at any rate at that age that adventure had suddenly befallen Bilbo. Frodo began to feel restless, and the old paths seemed too well-trodden. He looked at maps, and wondered what lay beyond their edges: maps made in the Shire showed mostly white spaces beyond its borders. He took to wandering further afield and more often by himself; and Merry and his other friends watched him anxiously. Often he was seen walking and talking with the strange wayfarers that began at this time to appear in the Shire. There were rumours of strange things happening in the world outside; and as Gandalf had not at that time appeared or sent any message for several years, Frodo gathered all the news he could. Elves, who seldom walked in the Shire, could now be seen passing westward through the woods in the evening, passing and not returning; but they were leaving Middle-earth and were no longer concerned with its troubles. There were, however, dwarves on the road in unusual numbers. The ancient East-West Road ran through the Shire to its end at the Grey Havens, and dwarves had always used it on their way to their mines in the Blue Mountains. They were the hobbits’ chief source of news from distant parts - if they wanted any: as a rule dwarves said little and hobbits asked no more. But now Frodo often met strange dwarves of far countries, seeking refuge in the West. They were troubled, and some spoke in whispers of the Enemy and of the Land of Mordor. That name the hobbits only knew in legends of the dark past, like a shadow in the background of their memories; but it was ominous and disquieting. It seemed that the evil power in Mirkwood had been driven out by the White Council only to reappear in greater strength in the old strongholds of Mordor. The Dark Tower had been rebuilt, it was said. From there the power was spreading far and wide, and away far east and south there were wars and growing fear. Orcs were multiplying again in the mountains. Trolls were abroad, no longer dull-witted, but cunning and armed with dreadful weapons. And there were murmured hints of creatures more terrible than all these, but they had no name. Little of all this, of course, reached the ears of ordinary hobbits. But even the deafest and most stay-at-home began to hear ***** tales; and those whose business took them to the borders saw strange things. The conversation in The Green Dragon at Bywater, one evening in the spring of Frodo’s fiftieth year, showed that even in the comfortable heart of the Shire rumours had been heard, though most hobbits still laughed at them. Sam Gamgee was sitting in one corner near the fire, and opposite him was Ted Sandyman, the miller’s son; and there were various other rustic hobbits listening to their talk. ‘Queer things you do hear these days, to be sure,’ said Sam. ‘Ah,’ said Ted, ‘you do, if you listen. But I can hear fireside-tales and children’s stories at home, if I want to.’ ‘No doubt you can,’ retorted Sam, ‘and I daresay there’s more truth in some of them than you reckon. Who invented the stories anyway? Take dragons now.’ tidings that Gandalf had brought. At last
Feb 25, 2021
aw **** here we go again
Feb 25, 2021
This book is largely concerned with Hobbits, and from its pages a reader may discover much of their character and a little of their history. Further information will also be found in the selection from the Red Book of Westmarch that has already been published, under the title of The Hobbit. That story was derived from the earlier chapters of the Red Book, composed by Bilbo himself, the first Hobbit to become famous in the world at large, and called by him There and Back Again, since they told of his journey into the East and his return: an adventure which later involved all the Hobbits in the great events of that Age that are here related. Many, however, may wish to know more about this remarkable people from the outset, while some may not possess the earlier book. For such readers a few notes on the more important points are here collected from Hobbit-lore, and the first adventure is briefly recalled. Hobbits are an unobtrusive but very ancient people, more numerous formerly than they are today; for they love peace and quiet and good tilled earth: a well-ordered and well-farmed countryside was their favourite haunt. They do not and did not understand or like machines more complicated than a forge-bellows, a water-mill, or a hand-loom, though they were skilful with tools. Even in ancient days they were, as a rule, shy of 'the Big Folk', as they call us, and now they avoid us with dismay and are becoming hard to find. They are quick of hearing and sharp-eyed, and though they are inclined to be fat and do not hurry unnecessarily, they are nonetheless nimble and deft in their movements. They possessed from the first the art of disappearing swiftly and silently, when large folk whom they do not wish to meet come blundering by; and this an they have developed until to Men it may seem magical. But Hobbits have never, in fact, studied magic of any kind, and their elusiveness is due solely to a professional skill that heredity and practice, and a close friendship with the earth, have rendered inimitable by bigger and clumsier races. For they are a little people, smaller than Dwarves: less tout and stocky, that is, even when they are not actually much shorter. Their height is variable, ranging between two and four feet of our measure. They seldom now reach three feet; but they hive dwindled, they say, and in ancient days they were taller. According to the Red Book, Bandobras Took (Bullroarer), son of Isengrim the Second, was four foot five and able to ride a horse. He was surpassed in all Hobbit records only by two famous characters of old; but that curious matter is dealt with in this book. As for the Hobbits of the Shire, with whom these tales are concerned, in the days of their peace and prosperity they were a merry folk. They dressed in bright colours, being notably fond of yellow and green; but they seldom wore shoes, since their feet had tough leathery soles and were clad in a thick curling hair, much like the hair of their heads, which was commonly brown. Thus, the only craft little practised among them was shoe-making; but they had long and skilful fingers and could make many other useful and comely things. Their faces were as a rule good-natured rather than beautiful, broad, bright-eyed, red-cheeked, with mouths apt to laughter, and to eating and drinking. And laugh they did, and eat, and drink, often and heartily, being fond of simple jests at all times, and of six meals a day (when they could get them). They were hospitable and delighted in parties, and in presents, which they gave away freely and eagerly accepted. It is plain indeed that in spite of later estrangement Hobbits are relatives of ours: far nearer to us than Elves, or even than Dwarves. Of old they spoke the languages of Men, after their own fashion, and liked and disliked much the same things as Men did. But what exactly our relationship is can no longer be discovered. The beginning of Hobbits lies far back in the Elder Days that are now lost and forgotten. Only the Elves still preserve any records of that vanished time, and their traditions are concerned almost entirely with their own history, in which Men appear seldom and Hobbits are not mentioned at all. Yet it is clear that Hobbits had, in fact, lived quietly in Middle-earth for many long years before other folk became even aware of them. And the world being after all full of strange creatures beyond count, these little people seemed of very little importance. But in the days of Bilbo, and of Frodo his heir, they suddenly became, by no wish of their own, both important and renowned, and troubled the counsels of the Wise and the Great. Those days, the Third Age of Middle-earth, are now long past, and the shape of all lands has been changed; but the regions in which Hobbits then lived were doubtless the same as those in which they still linger: the North-West of the Old World, east of the Sea. Of their original home the Hobbits in Bilbo's time preserved no knowledge. A love of learning (other than genealogical lore) was far from general among them, but there remained still a few in the older families who studied their own books, and even gathered reports of old times and distant lands from Elves, Dwarves, and Men. Their own records began only after the settlement of the Shire, and their most ancient legends hardly looked further back than their Wandering Days. It is clear, nonetheless, from these legends, and from the evidence of their peculiar words and customs, that like many other folk Hobbits had in the distant past moved westward. Their earliest tales seem to glimpse a time when they dwelt in the upper vales of Anduin, between the eaves of Greenwood the Great and the Misty Mountains. Why they later undertook the hard and perilous crossing of the mountains into Eriador is no longer certain. Their own accounts speak of the multiplying of Men in the land, and of a shadow that fell on the forest, so that it became darkened and its new name was Mirkwood. Before the crossing of the mountains the Hobbits had already become divided into three somewhat different breeds: Harfoots, Stoors, and Fallohides. The Harfoots were browner of skin, smaller, and shorter, and they were beardless and bootless; their hands and feet were neat and nimble; and they preferred highlands and hillsides. The Stoors were broader, heavier in build; their feet and hands were larger, and they preferred flat lands and riversides. The Fallohides were fairer of skin and also of hair, and they were taller and slimmer than the others; they were lovers of trees and of woodlands. The Harfoots had much to do with Dwarves in ancient times, and long lived in the foothills of the mountains. They moved westward early, and roamed over Eriador as far as Weathertop while the others were still in the Wilderland. They were the most normal and representative variety of Hobbit, and far the most numerous. They were the most inclined to settle in one place, and longest preserved their ancestral habit of living in tunnels and holes. The Stoors lingered long by the banks of the Great River Anduin, and were less shy of Men. They came west after the Harfoots and followed the course of the Loudwater southwards; and there many of them long dwelt between Tharbad and the borders of Dunland before they moved north again. The Fallohides, the least numerous, were a northerly branch. They were more friendly with Elves than the other Hobbits were, and had more skill in language and song than in handicrafts; and of old they preferred hunting to tilling. They crossed the mountains north of Rivendell and came down the River Hoarwell. In Eriador they soon mingled with the other kinds that had preceded them, but being somewhat bolder and more adventurous, they were often found as leaders or chieftains among clans of Harfoots or Stoors. Even in Bilbo's time the strong Fallohidish strain could still be noted among the greater families, such as the Tooks and the Masters of Buckland. In the westlands of Eriador, between the Misty Mountains and the Mountains of Lune, the Hobbits found both Men and Elves. Indeed, a remnant still dwelt there of the Dúnedain, the kings of Men that came over the Sea out of Westernesse; but they were dwindling fast and the lands of their North Kingdom were falling far and wide into waste. There was room and to spare for incomers, and ere long the Hobbits began to settle in ordered communities. Most of their earlier settlements had long disappeared and been forgotten in Bilbo's time; but one of the first to become important still endured, though reduced in size; this was at Bree and in the Chetwood that lay round about, some forty miles east of the Shire. It was in these early days, doubtless, that the Hobbits learned their letters and began to write after the manner of the Dúnedain, who had in their turn long before learned the art from the Elves. And in those days also they forgot whatever languages they had used before, and spoke ever after the Common Speech, the Westron as it was named, that was current through all the lands of the kings from Arnor to Gondor, and about all the coasts of the Sea from Belfalas to Lune. Yet they kept a few words of their own, as well as their own names of months and days, and a great store of personal names out of the past. About this time legend among the Hobbits first becomes history with a reckoning of years. For it was in the one thousand six hundred and first year of the Third Age that the Fallohide brothers, Marcho and Blanco, set out from Bree; and having obtained permission from the high king at Fornost, they crossed the brown river Baranduin with a great following of Hobbits. They passed over the Bridge of Stonebows, that had been built in the days of the power of the North Kingdom, and they took ail the land beyond to dwell in, between the river and the Far Downs. All that was demanded of them was that they should keep the Great Bridge in repair, and all other bridges and roads, speed the king's messengers, and acknowledge his lordship. Thus began the Shire-reckoning, for the year of the crossing of the Brandywine (as the Hobbits turned the name) became Year One of the Shire, and all later dates were reckoned from it. At once the western Hobbits fell in love with their new land, and they remained there, and soon passed once more out of the history of Men and of Elves. While there was still a king they were in name his subjects, but they were, in fact, ruled by their own chieftains and meddled not at all with events in the world outside. To the last battle at Fornost with the Witch-lord of Angmar they sent some bowmen to the aid of the king, or so they maintained, though no tales of Men record it. But in that war the North Kingdom ended; and then the Hobbits took the land for their own, and they chose from their own chiefs a Thain to hold the authority of the king that was gone. There for a thousand years they were little troubled by wars, and they prospered and multiplied after the Dark Plague (S.R. 37) until the disaster of the Long Winter and the famine that followed it. Many thousands then perished, but the Days of Dearth (1158-60) were at the time of this tale long past and the Hobbits had again become accustomed to plenty. The land was rich and kindly, and though it had long been deserted when they entered it, it had before been well tilled, and there the king had once had many farms, cornlands, vineyards, and woods. Forty leagues it stretched from the Far Downs to the Brandywine Bridge, and fifty from the northern moors to the marshes in the south. The Hobbits named it the Shire, as the region of the authority of their Thain, and a district of well-ordered business; and there in that pleasant comer of the world they plied their well-ordered business of living, and they heeded less and less the world outside where dark things moved, until they came to think that peace and plenty were the rule in Middle-earth and the right of all sensible folk. They forgot or ignored what little they had ever known of the Guardians, and of the labours of those that made possible the long peace of the Shire. They were, in fact, sheltered, but they had ceased to remember it. At no time had Hobbits of any kind been warlike, and they had never fought among themselves. In olden days they had, of course, been often obliged to fight to maintain themselves in a hard world; but in Bilbo's time that was very ancient history. The last battle, before this story opens, and indeed the only one that had ever been fought within the borders of the Shire, was beyond living memory: the Battle of Greenfields, S.R. 1147, in which Bandobras Took routed an invasion of Orcs. Even the weathers had grown milder, and the wolves that had once come ravening out of the North in bitter white winters were now only a grandfather's tale. So, though there was still some store of weapons in the Shire, these were used mostly as trophies, hanging above hearths or on walls, or gathered into the museum at Michel Delving. The Mathom-house it was called; for anything that Hobbits had no immediate use for, but were unwilling to throw away, they called a mathom. Their dwellings were apt to become rather crowded with mathoms, and many of the presents that passed from hand to hand were of that sort. Nonetheless, ease and peace had left this people still curiously tough. They were, if it came to it, difficult to daunt or to kill; and they were, perhaps, so unwearyingly fond of good things not least because they could, when put to it, do without them, and could survive rough handling by grief, foe, or weather in a way that astonished those who did not know them well and looked no further than their bellies and their well-fed faces. Though slow to quarrel, and for sport killing nothing that lived, they were doughty at bay, and at need could still handle arms. They shot well with the bow, for they were keen-eyed and sure at the mark. Not only with bows and arrows. If any Hobbit stooped for a stone, it was well to get quickly under cover, as all trespassing beasts knew very well. All Hobbits had originally lived in holes in the ground, or so they believed, and in such dwellings they still felt most at home; but in the course of time they had been obliged to adopt other forms of abode. Actually in the Shire in Bilbo's days it was, as a rule, only the richest and the poorest Hobbits that maintained the old custom. The poorest went on living in burrows of the most primitive kind, mere holes indeed, with only one window or none; while the well-to-do still constructed more luxurious versions of the simple diggings of old. But suitable sites for these large and ramifying tunnels (or smials as they called them) were not everywhere to be found; and in the flats and the low-lying districts the Hobbits, as they multiplied, began to build above ground. Indeed, even in the hilly regions and the older villages, such as Hobbiton or Tuckborough, or in the chief township of the Shire, Michel Delving on the White Downs, there were now many houses of wood, brick, or stone. These were specially favoured by millers, smiths, ropers, and cartwrights, and others of that sort; for even when they had holes to live in. Hobbits had long been accustomed to build sheds and workshops. The habit of building farmhouses and barns was said to have begun among the inhabitants of the Marish down by the Brandywine. The Hobbits of that quarter, the Eastfarthing, were rather large and heavy-legged, and they wore dwarf-boots in muddy weather. But they were well known to be Stoors in a large part of their blood, as indeed was shown by the down that many grew on their chins. No Harfoot or Fallohide had any trace of a beard. Indeed, the folk of the Marish, and of Buckland, east of the River, which they afterwards occupied, came for the most part later into the Shire up from south-away; and they still had many peculiar names and strange words not found elsewhere in the Shire. It is probable that the craft of building, as many other crafts beside, was derived from the Dúnedain. But the Hobbits may have learned it direct from the Elves, the teachers of Men in their youth. For the Elves of the High Kindred had not yet forsaken Middle-earth, and they dwelt still at that time at the Grey Havens away to the west, and in other places within reach of the Shire. Three Elf-towers of immemorial age were still to be seen on the Tower Hills beyond the western marches. They shone far off in the moonlight. The tallest was furthest away, standing alone upon a green mound. The Hobbits of the Westfarthing said that one could see the Sea from the lop of that tower; but no Hobbit had ever been known to climb it. Indeed, few Hobbits had ever seen or sailed upon the Sea, and fewer still had ever returned to report it. Most Hobbits regarded even rivers and small boats with deep misgivings, and not many of them could swim. And as the days of the Shire lengthened they spoke less and less with the Elves, and grew afraid of them, and distrustful of those that had dealings with them; and the Sea became a word of fear among them, and a token of death, and they turned their faces away from the hills in the west. The craft of building may have come from Elves or Men, but the Hobbits used it in their own fashion. They did not go in for towers. Their houses were usually long, low, and comfortable. The oldest kind were, indeed, no more than built imitations of smials, thatched with dry grass or straw, or roofed with turves, and having walls somewhat bulged. That stage, however, belonged to the early days of the Shire, and hobbit-building had long since been altered, improved by devices, learned from Dwarves, or discovered by themselves. A preference for round windows, and even round doors, was the chief remaining peculiarity of hobbit-architecture. The houses and the holes of Shire-hobbits were often large, and inhabited by large families. (Bilbo and Frodo Baggins were as bachelors very exceptional, as they were also in many other ways, such as their friendship with the Elves.) Sometimes, as in the case of the Tooks of Great Smials, or the Brandybucks of Brandy Hall, many generations of relatives lived in (comparative) peace together in one ancestral and many-tunnelled mansion. All Hobbits were, in any case, clannish and reckoned up their relationships with great care. They drew long and elaborate family-trees with innumerable branches. In dealing with Hobbits it is important to remember who is related to whom, and in what degree. It would be impossible in this book to set out a family-tree that included even the more important members of the more important families at the time which these tales tell of. The genealogical trees at the end of the Red Book of Westmarch are a small book in themselves, and all but Hobbits would find them exceedingly dull. Hobbits delighted in such things, if they were accurate: they liked to have books filled with things that they already knew, set out fair and square with no contradictions. 2. Concerning Pipe-weed There is another astonishing thing about Hobbits of old that must be mentioned, an astonishing habit: they imbibed or inhaled, through pipes of clay or wood, the smoke of the burning leaves of a herb, which they called pipe-weed or leaf, a variety probably of Nicotiana. A great deal of mystery surrounds the origin of this peculiar custom, or 'art' as the Hobbits preferred to call it. All that could be discovered about it in antiquity was put together by Meriadoc Brandybuck (later Master of Buckland), and since he and the tobacco of the Southfarthing play a part in the history that follows, his remarks in the introduction to his Herblore of the Shire may be quoted. ‘This,' he says, 'is the one art that we can certainly claim to be our own invention. When Hobbits first began to smoke is not known, all the legends and family histories take it for granted; for ages folk in the Shire smoked various herbs, some fouler, some sweeter. But all accounts agree that Tobold Hornblower of Longbottom in the Southfarthing first grew the true pipe-weed in his gardens in the days of Isengrim the Second, about the year 1070 of Shire-reckoning. The best home-grown still comes from that district, especially the varieties now known as Longbottom Leaf, Old Toby, and Southern Star. 'How Old Toby came by the plant is not recorded, for to his dying day he would not tell. He knew much about herbs, but he was no traveller. It is said that in his youth he went often to Bree, though he certainly never went further from the Shire than that. It is thus quite possible that he learned of this plant in Bree, where now, at any rate, it grows well on the south slopes of the hill. The Bree-hobbits claim to have been the first actual smokers of the pipe-weed. They claim, of course, to have done everything before the people of the Shire, whom they refer to as "colonists"; but in this case their claim is, I think, likely to be true. And certainly it was from Bree that the art of smoking the genuine weed spread in the recent centuries among Dwarves and such other folk, Rangers, Wizards, or wanderers, as still passed to and fro through that ancient road-meeting. The home and centre of the an is thus to be found in the old inn of Bree, The Prancing Pony, that has been kept by the family of Butterbur from time beyond record. 'All the same, observations that I have made on my own many journeys south have convinced me that the weed itself is not native to our parts of the world, but came northward from the lower Anduin, whither it was, I suspect, originally brought over Sea by the Men of Westernesse. It grows abundantly in Gondor, and there is richer and larger than in the North, where it is never found wild, and flourishes only in warm sheltered places like Longbottom. The Men of Gondor call it sweet galenas, and esteem it only for the fragrance of its flowers. From that land it must have been carried up the Greenway during the long centuries between the coming of Elendil and our own day. But even the Dúnedain of Gondor allow us this credit: Hobbits first put it into pipes. Not even the Wizards first thought of that before we did. Though one Wizard that I knew took up the art long ago, and became as skilful in it as in all other things that he put his mind to.' 3. Of the Ordering of the Shire The Shire was divided into four quarters, the Farthings already referred to. North, South, East, and West; and these again each into a number of folklands, which still bore the names of some of the old leading families, although by the time of this history these names were no longer found only in their proper folklands. Nearly all Tooks still lived in the Tookland, but that was not true of many other families, such as the Bagginses or the Boffins. Outside the Farthings were the East and West Marches: the Buckland (see beginning of Chapter V, Book I); and the Westmarch added to the Shire in S.R. 1462. The Shire at this time had hardly any 'government'. Families for the most part managed their own affairs. Growing food and eating it occupied most of their time. In other matters they were, as a rule, generous and not greedy, but contented and moderate, so that estates, farms, workshops, and small trades tended to remain unchanged for generations. There remained, of course, the ancient tradition concerning the high king at Fornost, or Norbury as they called it, away north of the Shire. But there had been no king for nearly a thousand years, and even the ruins of Kings' Norbury were covered with grass. Yet the Hobbits still said of wild folk and wicked things (such as trolls) that they had not heard of the king. For they attributed to the king of old all their essential laws; and usually they kept the laws of free will, because they were The Rules (as they said), both ancient and just. It is true that the Took family had long been pre-eminent; for the office of Thain had passed to them (from the Oldbucks) some centuries before, and the chief Took had borne that title ever since. The Thain was the master of the Shire-moot, and captain of the Shire-muster and the Hobbitry-in-arms, but as muster and moot were only held in times of emergency, which no longer occurred, the Thainship had ceased to be more than a nominal dignity. The Took family was still, indeed, accorded a special respect, for it remained both numerous and exceedingly wealthy, and was liable to produce in every generation strong characters of peculiar habits and even adventurous temperament. The latter qualities, however, were now rather tolerated (in the rich) than generally approved. The custom endured, nonetheless, of referring to the head of the family as The Took, and of adding to his name, if required, a number: such as Isengrim the Second, for instance. The only real official in the Shire at this date was the Mayor of Michel Delving (or of the Shire), who was elected every seven years at the Free Fair on the White Downs at the Lithe, that is at Midsummer. As mayor almost his only duty was to preside at banquets, given on the Shire-holidays, which occurred at frequent intervals. But the offices of Postmaster and First Shirriff were attached to the mayoralty, so that he managed both the Messenger Service and the Watch. These were the only Shire-services, and the Messengers were the most numerous, and much the busier of the two. By no means all Hobbits were lettered, but those who were wrote constantly to all their friends (and a selection of their relations) who lived further off than an afternoon's walk. The Shirriffs was the name that the Hobbits gave to their police, or the nearest equivalent that they possessed. They had, of course, no uniforms (such things being quite unknown), only a feather in their caps; and they were in practice rather haywards than policemen, more concerned with the strayings of beasts than of people. There were in all the Shire only twelve of them, three in each Farthing, for Inside Work. A rather larger body, varying at need, was employed to 'beat the bounds', and to see that Outsiders of any kind, great or small, did not make themselves a nuisance. At the time when this story begins the Bounders, as they were called, had been greatly increased. There were many reports and complaints of strange persons and creatures prowling about the borders, or over them: the first sign that all was not quite as it should be, and always had been except in tales and legends of long ago. Few heeded the sign, and not even Bilbo yet had any notion of what it portended. Sixty years had passed since he set out on his memorable journey, and he was old even for Hobbits, who reached a hundred as often as not; but much evidently still remained of the considerable wealth that he had brought back. How much or how little he revealed to no one, not even to Frodo his favourite 'nephew'. And he still kept secret the ring that he bad found. 4. Of the Finding of the Ring As is told in The Hobbit, there came one day to Bilbo's door the great Wizard, Gandalf the Grey, and thirteen dwarves with him: none other, indeed, than Thorin Oakenshield, descendant of kings, and his twelve companions in exile. With them he set out, to his own lasting astonishment, on a morning of April, it being then the year 1341 Shire-reckoning, on a quest of great treasure, the dwarf-hoards of the Kings under the Mountain, beneath Erebor in Dale, far off in the East. The quest was successful, and the Dragon that guarded the hoard was destroyed. Yet, though before all was won the Battle of Five Armies was fought, and Thorin was slain, and many deeds of renown were done, the matter would scarcely have concerned later history, or earned more than a note in the long annals of the Third Age, but for an 'accident' by the way. The party was assailed by Orcs in a high pass of the Misty Mountains as they went towards Wilderland; and so it happened that Bilbo was lost for a while in the black orc-mines deep under the mountains, and there, as he groped in vain in the dark, he put his hand on a ring, lying on the floor of a tunnel. He put it in his pocket. It seemed then like mere luck. Trying to find his way out. Bilbo went on down to the roots of the mountains, until he could go no further. At the bottom of the tunnel lay a cold lake far from the light, and on an island of rock in the water lived Gollum. He was a loathsome little creature: he paddled a small boat with his large flat feet, peering with pale luminous eyes and catching blind fish with his long fingers, and eating them raw. He ate any living thing, even orc, if he could catch it and strangle it without a struggle. He possessed a secret treasure that had come to him long ages ago, when he still lived in the light: a ring of gold that made its wearer invisible. It was the one thing he loved, his 'precious', and he talked to it, even when it was not with him. For he kept it hidden safe in a hole on his island, except when he was hunting or spying on the ores of the mines. Maybe he would have attacked Bilbo at once, if the ring had been on him when they met; but it was not, and the hobbit held in his hand an Elvish knife, which served him as a sword. So to gain time Gollum challenged Bilbo to the Riddle-game, saying that if he asked a riddle which Bilbo could not guess, then he would kill him and eat him; but if Bilbo defeated him, then he would do as Bilbo wished: he would lead him to a way out of the tunnels. Since he was lost in the dark without hope, and could neither go on nor back. Bilbo accepted the challenge; and they asked one another many riddles. In the end Bilbo won the game, more by luck (as it seemed) than by wits; for he was stumped at last for a riddle to ask, and cried out, as his hand came upon the ring he lad picked up and forgotten: What haw I got in my pocket? This Gollum failed to answer, though he demanded three guesses. The Authorities, it is true, differ whether this last question was a mere 'question' and not a 'riddle' according to the strict rules of the Game; but all agree that, after accepting it and trying to guess the answer, Gollum was bound by his promise. And Bilbo pressed him to keep his word; for the thought came to him that this slimy creature might prove false, even though such promises were held sacred, and of old all but the wickedest things feared to break them. But after ages alone in the dark Gollum’s heart was black, and treachery was in it. He slipped away, and returned to the island, of which Bilbo knew nothing, not far off in the dark water. There, he thought, lay his ring. He was hungry now, and angry, and once his 'precious' was with him he would not fear any weapon at all. But the ring was not on the island; he had lost it, it was gone. His screech sent a shiver down Bilbo's back, though he did not yet understand what had happened. But Gollum had at last leaped to a guess, too late. What has it got in its pocketses? he cried. The light in his eyes was like a green flame as he sped back to murder the hobbit and recover his 'precious'. Just in time Bilbo saw his peril, and he fled blindly up the passage away from the water; and once more he was saved by his luck. For just as he ran he put his hand in his pocket, and the ring slipped quietly on to his finger. So it was that Gollum passed him without seeing him, and went to guard the way out, lest the ‘thief’ should escape. Warily Bilbo followed him, as he went along, cursing, and talking to himself about his 'precious'; from which talk at last even Bilbo guessed the truth, and hope came to him in the darkness: he himself had found the marvellous ring and a chance of escape from the orcs and from Gollum. At length they came to a halt before an unseen opening that led to the lower gates of the mines, on the eastward side of the mountains. There Gollum crouched at bay, smelling and listening; and Bilbo was tempted to slay him with his sword. But pity stayed him, and though he kept the ring, in which his only hope lay, he would not use it to help him kill the wretched creature at a disadvantage. In the end, gathering his courage, he leaped over Gollum in the dark, and fled away down the passage, pursued by his enemy's cries of hate and despair: Thief, thief! Baggins! We hates it for ever! Now it is a curious fact that this is not the story as Bilbo first told it to his companions. To them his account was that Gollum had promised to give him a present, if he won the game; but when Gollum went to fetch it from his island he found the treasure was gone: a magic ring, which had been given to him long ago on his birthday. Bilbo guessed that this was the very ring that he had found, and as he had won the game, it was already his by right. But being in a tight place, he said nothing about it, and made Gollum show him the way out, as a reward instead of a present. This account Bilbo set down in his memoirs, and he seems never to have altered it himself, not even after the Council of Elrond. Evidently it still appeared in the original Red Book, as it did in several of the copies and abstracts. But many copies contain the true account (as an alternative), derived no doubt from notes by Frodo or Samwise, both of whom learned the truth, though they seem to have been unwilling to delete anything actually written by the old hobbit himself. Gandalf, however, disbelieved Bilbo's first story, as soon as he heard it, and he continued to be very curious about the ring. Eventually he got the true tale out of Bilbo after much questioning, which for a while strained their friendship; but the wizard seemed to think the truth important. Though he did not say so to Bilbo, he also thought it important, and disturbing, to find that the good hobbit had not told the truth from the first: quite contrary to his habit. The idea of a 'present' was not mere h
Feb 23, 2021
ON SUM REALL SHITTTTTT
Feb 23, 2021
Biden won and twitter has the right to ban Trump from twitter
Feb 23, 2021
by using the email carlosmewborn0723@ycsd.org hmu
Feb 22, 2021
how can i do that?
Feb 22, 2021
i mean u can still email me buh damn u ain gotta get all mad and shit
Feb 22, 2021
wuteva
Feb 22, 2021
u the person that said add me on snapchat i can't do that because after what did on twitter months ago i can't use apps like that and second of all that's the person i keep telling to stop talking like that.
Feb 22, 2021
wait hold on that's not me talking like that i'm afraid someone else wants to pick a fight.
Feb 22, 2021
***** *** mothafucka now yo ass wanna get quiet
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
u wanna fight bruh? you bout to stop talkin to me like dat
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
Make half a million every year, I'm getting watched by the IRS I'm deep inside the game while niggas still taking baby steps Hid my man's body on the top of Mount Everest Hit myself in the head with a glass bottle of Everfresh Been really swiping for ten years, this **** everlasting Stress myself out, bought some cigarettes, now my voice raspy Scammed a ***** from New York, he like his clothes tacky You bought a ten from the weed man, he put it in a lil' baggy Bum ***** wearin' Dickies, why your clothes baggy? He's riding in an '08 Benz, nigga, why are you braggin'? This ***** must've missed jail, nigga, why are you saggin'? Thought you was tough, why the fuck you got on autotune? Shot at some intruders tryna rob me sleepin' in my room Punched the hotel just to drown myself in the pool I had to pull out of this bitch, man, she gotta poo Shot a fat ***** in his stomach and I made him poop Got a stupid *****, get iPhones, and her name is Tammy Made a jugg page on Facebook and I scammed my granny He finally got a two-two but that ***** basic Watched a red room, somebody killed theyself in they basement Smacked a ***** in her face and knocked out her bracket Ordered a box from the dark web, it came in a crazy package I sold a ***** some garbage weed in a good package Then he posted on Instagram like, "Teejay got some strong" A thousand methods on my phone, I don't got no storage Seven bodies in on my opps, I think they wanna forfeit Spent seventy thousand on a credit card that belonged to a tourist 'Bout to kill myself, I drove seventy hours to a forest Got this one crazy method, I can get your house foreclosed Made twenty-five thousand in one day, but that's not the most Grazed myself in the head 'cause I got scared of my shadow You can't afford to roll up no Backwoods, you bought a 'rello Was tryna **** this *****, she actin' shy and mellow My tenth NBA player, I just scammed Carmelo He think he Wiz Khalifa, this nigga got on black and yellow Talked to a ***** off the dark web, I was scared to say, "Hello" Went to the graveyard and I pissed on somebody gravestone My fake ID a little off, look like I got a different skintone Went to Chicago and scammed Reggie Baybee and Skinbone Lil' ***** lackin' at the store, where your vest at? Stupid ***** got some deal money and didn't invest it Right now I'm charging ten thousand for the bank method He had to sit in jail for three years for domestic violence Ran out of pop so I poured up in the apple cider Ran out of weed so I popped me a Percocet Ran out the store 'cause I was in that ***** nervous sweatin' Ran out the bank soon as I dropped a fake check Can't get her hair done, she gotta wait on her paycheck Don't claim my lil' cousin, heard that ***** turned homo He dissed me on the 'Gram and got killed for some promo I just scammed a rich *** rapper for a promo And I scammed a graphic designer for a logo Tryna do the next bar, I told my engineer to c'mon (C'mon) I just made my money for the day, I'm 'bout to go home Shot a burglar-er 'cause he tried to sneak in my home Got Find My iPhone, I traced the nigga who stole my iPhone All designer clothes, spent fifty thousand on my wardrobe I just fucked another nigga bitch with the door closed We countin' money in here so make sure the doors closed Send some blackmail, they play my music on the radio Hit a ***** ***** on the beach by the patio Smash myself in the head with a piano I just acted like I'm Walmart on LetGo Thirty different numbers, I just bought thirty Metros
Feb 22, 2021
SUCK MY ****************!
Feb 22, 2021
SUCK MY ****************!
Feb 22, 2021
AY YO SHUT YO ***** AH UP MOFO FUCK YOU BLOOD IMMA KILL YOU BITCH. EAT MY *** *****
Feb 22, 2021
really u sound fake asf im jus tryna be u friends and if u want the real truth i was fr jokin about the other stuff soo u cant really jump on my back cuz i said hmu on snapchat
Feb 22, 2021
YALL DONT SHARE EMAILS OR INSTAGRAM THIS ARE KIDS PREDATORS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO RAPE.
Feb 22, 2021
XVNZMFW
Feb 22, 2021
or u can email me
Feb 22, 2021
ok, hit me up on snapchat?
Feb 22, 2021
*breathe's in and breathe's out* yes we are.
Feb 22, 2021
So we coo?
Feb 22, 2021
So we coo?
Feb 22, 2021
Ye u made me fell like u bout to kick a niggas ***
Feb 22, 2021
where are u getting at are u apologizing?
Feb 22, 2021
not really buh ok and btw we is the same age
Feb 22, 2021
not really buh ok and btw we is the same age
Feb 22, 2021
not really buh ok and btw we is the same age
Feb 20, 2021
and plus u saying **** thats irrelevant to me u don't know me and u calling me a having ass bitch u the having *** ***** and i don't need to show at your so-called place ur not hard u not better than anyone ur not even a ganster u think u better than everybody ur just a coward who can't even admit criticism at all and u think u a thug to ur just a ******* teenager.
Feb 18, 2021
see what i'm talking about u still going at it i haven't even done nothing to u u steady arguing with someone u don't know i'm 14 years fucking old u sound like a grown man trying to underage stuff with a child.
Feb 18, 2021
come show me bitch hit me up at LOS AND CJ FOR LIFE on snap chat u small **** having ass *****
Feb 17, 2021
u a ***** that's arguing with someone u don't even know motherfucker and i have a big one ******* bitch-ass nigga always gotta start something with someone u haven't even seen my vitamin d is 10 times bigger than yours.
Feb 17, 2021
thats prolly cuz u got a small dick *****
Feb 11, 2021
no way go to hell u gay *******.
Feb 11, 2021
im gay anyone wanna ****
Feb 11, 2021
and i'm not a ***** either i'll break yo jaw hurt u too why cuz u started gibberrish -talking shit and don't even try to act all innocent and **** i'm not much of a threatning guy but u left me no choice i never talked shit cursed made threats or any of that but now u just messed with the wrong guy now that's a bitch u are ************.
Feb 11, 2021
ya'll kids be talking fantasy like it's going to be real call of duty ain't got nothing to do with this super saiyan ain't finna do **** none other fatansy stuff is going to be real so i ain't a ***** punk-ass *****.
Feb 11, 2021
try it pussy im a 101st Airborne Division, 1st Infantry Divisio, 104th Infantry Division, 96th Sustainment Brigade, 15th Division (German Empire), 157th Infantry Division and i was a black ops operator. bitc h
Feb 10, 2021
i really hope admin finds out about this because now this sounds like a death threat to me also u really still think everybody is going to read all that but that's beside the point because ur going way too far with all this i have like two guns at my house so keep it up try me try to death talk me all u wan't because when those guns hit u god ain't gonna protect yo motherfukin ***
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 10, 2021
***** *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) I can smell a ***** ***** a mile away Type of ***** so *****, he should put "bitch-made" on his license plate (Bitch!) From that real ****, you bitch niggas play hide and seek (Bitch-ass niggas) Me and ***** niggas, we don't conversate Bitch niggas love saying real niggas tryna hate (Bitch-ass nigga) But nah, *****, I'm a real nigga, I had to bag up weight You got fear in your heart so you cooperate (Bitch) I can't stand how ***** niggas operate You's a ***** *******, your mama know you a ***** (Bitch) Your girl even know you a bitch (Bitch) I don't know how she suck your dick, pause You got caught with some shit (Shit) With your best friend and your clique (Clique) Y'all got caught hittin' a lick (Hit) Everybody went down 'cause you snitched (Aw) Whoever raised you ain't do a good job at that (That) Whoever raised you need to get slapped Karma is a ***** and she gon' get you, *****, just like that 'Cause once a ***** nigga, always a *****, facts Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch niggas always contemplate Always contemplate what on they're tryna say Bitch ***** leave the house and think he fly today Bitch ***** don't even know what's 'bout to come his way, bop Bitch *****, you should bleed for seven days No testosterone, you scared to catch a fade I got in a fight and you ain't fight, you ran off So next time I see you, I'll knock you out on sight (Bing, bing, bing) Ayy, I don't want no rap beef 'Cause I'm really gon' slide, check my rap sheet (Check it, nigga) Ayy, so think twice before attacking me I'ma pull a gun out, I ain't gon' run, I ain't no athlete (Boom-boom-boom-boom) You count the next man's pockets, you fall Pillow talking to that bitch, she a hoe, you know she ours I hate a ***** *****, I hate a bitch *****, I swear to God I don't know what's worse, bitch niggas or alcohol Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** ***** (Uh-oh!) Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** nigga Bitch *****, snitch *****, ho nigga, ***** *****
Feb 9, 2021
bro with all that japanese talk nobody can understand that please stop with all the meaningless talk.
Feb 9, 2021
btw the song was sicko mode dipsh its
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
私は私 貴方は貴方と 昨夜言ってた そんな気もするわ グレイのジャケットに 見覚えがある コーヒーのしみ 相変らずなのね ショーウィンドウに 二人映れば Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 大事にしていた 恋と愛とは 違うものだよと 昨夜言われた そんな気もするわ 二度目の冬が来て 離れていった貴方の心 ふり返ればいつも そこに 貴方を感じていたの Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 心に穴があいた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 淋しさまぎらわして 置いたレコードの針 同じメロディ 繰り返していた... Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me... 口ぐせを言いながら 二人の瞬間を抱いて まだ忘れず 暖めてた Stay with me... 真夜中のドアをたたき 帰らないでと泣いた あの季節が 今 目の前 Stay with me...
Feb 9, 2021
d u m b a s s
Feb 9, 2021
the person below me is a *******
Feb 9, 2021
that's copy paste of some old song that no one listens to I bet
Feb 8, 2021
i can't even like do u think i'm finna read all that nobody in the comments section can't even understand what u just typed like wth who supposed to read all that get a life man.
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 8, 2021
Astro, yeah Sun is down, freezin' cold That's how we already know winter's here My dawg would prolly do it for a Louis belt That's just all he know, he don't know nothin' else I tried to show 'em, yeah I tried to show 'em, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone on you with the pick and roll Young LaFlame, he in sicko mode Woo, made this here with all the ice on in the booth At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose Yeah, Jump Out boys, that's Nike boys, hoppin' out coupes This **** way too big, when we pull up give me the loot (Gimme the loot!) Was off the Remy, had a Papoose Had to hit my old town to duck the news Two-four hour lockdown, we made no moves Now it's 4AM and I'm back up poppin' with the crew I just landed in, Chase B mixes pop like Jamba Juice Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin' fruits And they chokin', man, know the crackers wish it was a noose Some-some-some, someone said To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (someone said) To win the retreat, we all in too deep P-p-playin' for keeps, don't play us for weak (yeah) This **** way too formal, y'all know I don't follow suit Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain't got a clue All of these hoes I made off records I produced I might take all my exes and put 'em all in a group Hit my esés, I need the bootch 'Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo Told her, "Hop in, you comin' too" In the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke (Don't stop, pop that pussy!) Had to slop the top off, it's just a roof (uh) She said, "Where we goin'?" I said, "The moon" We ain't even make it to the room She thought it was the ocean, it's just the pool Now I got her open, it's just the Goose Who put this **** together? I'm the glue (someone said) Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue Someone said (playin' for keeps) Someone said, motherfuck what someone said (Don't play us for weak) Yeah Astro Yeah, yeah Tay Keith, **** these niggas up (Ay, ay) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah) Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy, yeah Like a light, ayy Slept through the flight, ayy Knocked for the night, ayy, 767, man This **** got double bedroom, man I still got scores to settle, man I crept down the block (down the block), made a right (yeah, right) Cut the lights (yeah, what?), paid the price (yeah) Niggas think it's sweet (nah, nah), it's on sight (yeah, what?) Nothin' nice (yeah), baguettes in my ice (aww, man) Jesus Christ (yeah), checks over stripes (yeah) That's what I like (yeah), that's what we like (yeah) Lost my respect, you not a threat When I shoot my shot, that shit wetty like I'm Sheck (bitch!) See the shots that I took (ayy), wet like I'm Book (ayy) Wet like I'm Lizzie, I be spinnin' Valley Circle blocks 'til I'm dizzy (yeah, what?) Like where is he? (Yeah, what?) No one seen him (yeah, yeah) I'm tryna clean 'em (yeah) She's in love with who I am Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hand (woo!) I did half a Xan, thirteen hours 'til I land Had me out like a light, like a light Like a light, like a light Like a light (yeah), like a light Like a light Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly Sendin' texts, ain't sendin' kites, yeah He said, "Keep that on lock" I said, "You know this shit, it's stife", yeah It's absolute (yeah), I'm back reboot (it's lit!) LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah (skrrt, skrrt) We back on the road, they jumpin' off, no parachute, yeah Shawty in the back She said she workin' on her glutes, yeah (oh my God) Ain't by the book, yeah This how it look, yeah 'Bout a check, yeah Just check the foots, yeah Pass this to my daughter, I'ma show her what it took (yeah) Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other bitches shook, yeah Ye-ah
Feb 3, 2021
don't accuse me cuz i'm not childish
Feb 3, 2021
don't accuse me cuz i'm not childish
Feb 3, 2021
hey people yall childish af
Feb 2, 2021
u talking to me cuz i didin't even say nothing racist u got the wrong one and i'm not white i'm black also i'm new here.
Feb 2, 2021
bro **** you racist *** crackers you white gay ass niggas🖕🏾🖕🏾🖕🏾 suck my black power
Feb 2, 2021
u are really a freak huh well jeez like if you wan't it so bad u will still have to wait and don't get me caught by dekalb because i don't wan't to hear them saying i did this knowing i have not so like waiting take some time like don't go crazy over the d ur acring a little too freaky.
Feb 1, 2021
Shut up you damn **** and go get a life
Feb 1, 2021
HMM HEY DADDY CAN YOU COME IN MY PUSSY PLS I NEED SOME ONES BIG FAT **** IN ME. I GOT COCAINE AND WEED AND I ALSO GOT ALCHOL
Jan 29, 2021
i'll think about it sometime but for now ps4 is my time so try again while ur at it oh and ur supposed to lend me ur phone number okay my phone is diffrent and tell that girl of your's that i said i'll think about it oh one more thing if u wan't this to happen don't let dekalb find ur other message from yesterday
Jan 29, 2021
Im 15 and my girl is also 15 come on over im at 356 foreals drive in savannah georgia
Jan 28, 2021
and i'm not really sure about that let's be real i wanted to have whatever u call that starts with the word s but i could'int so i had other stuff to do and if u want me to lick her nope i'm not even going to say it and how old are u i can't just say i'm ready to dfo this if i don't even know who u are.
Jan 28, 2021
who even is u and plus i don't even think ur from the same school i am and i don't even know ur age
Jan 28, 2021
come on ill let you lick my girls ***** she do be lookin pretty thick recently
Jan 27, 2021
i refuse
Jan 27, 2021
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT YOU CAN STILL GET THE D IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR DIGITS
Jan 27, 2021
hmph fine but i ain't a lady as much u should know so i'm not gay
Jan 27, 2021
LADIES LADIES CALM DOWN YOU CAN BOTH GET THE D
Jan 27, 2021
i don't even know u always a short-fused ***** who picks a fight with somebody u don't even know like gtfo my face.
Jan 26, 2021
Fight me then *****
Jan 25, 2021
oh shut up its the comments fault u don't see me complaining about flash ya big dummy.
Jan 25, 2021
Stop complaining you fucking morons its a game and its decent stop complaining over it requiring flash
Jan 24, 2021
ur right about that i have a huge dislike over certain apps like this i can't even erase this game that i was not planning going to because of the people of lmpd idiots.
Jan 22, 2021
this is **** up i is this game all bc flash adobe it fuck up now dam it
Jan 14, 2021
that's the way it is but there is a lot of gay and simp people out there lets put it like this gay nation vs simp nation but yes there is no game just comment it ain't that bad
Jan 13, 2021
Damn this is kinda crazy 9 years of history and now this is an archive of comments. No longer able to play the game cause adobe flash. just comments
Jan 8, 2021
put in cheat code, NOHIT or MOREAMMO lol
Jan 3, 2021
it is the gayest game ever and the stupidest game ever gay game
Jan 3, 2021
this game is sort of good
Jan 3, 2021
this game is sort of good
Dec 17, 2020
ya'll too damn horny on some underage person some of ya'll might be teens almost adult's but u guys are being man-hood-taker's.
Dec 7, 2020
lmao look at this horny 13 year old tryna sound cool and so desperate that he put his number on an unblocked games site
Nov 20, 2020
perra tu hijo de ****
Nov 16, 2020
use this number 8032696697 i meant to say that on the last comment
Nov 16, 2020
you all are gay and suck dick im the only strait one here by the way any 12 or 13 year old girls use this number
Nov 15, 2020
gay bitchs your horny this website is porn hub
Oct 21, 2020
sent what
Oct 20, 2020
who is the dumb *** that sent that
Oct 19, 2020
hey if you wanna talk you may be able to reach me at 41891@c-isd.com im looking for a butt buddy
Oct 19, 2020
yes daddy
Oct 18, 2020
FUCKER THIS GAME IS GAY IS FUCK FUCK ME NOW
Oct 13, 2020
WTF U TALKIN BOUT
Oct 13, 2020
Worms Armageddon is a 1999 turn-based strategy video game developed and published by Team 17, originally released for the Microsoft Windows operating system, then ported to the Dreamcast, Nintendo 64, Playstation, and Gameboy Color. It is the third game in the Worms series.
Oct 2, 2020
i sent that
Oct 2, 2020
really
Oct 2, 2020
i need a daddy to f u c k me hard and make me moan loud
Sep 23, 2020
man i need a butt buddy
Sep 7, 2020
who's playing this at 2020? WHO THE **** GETS HORNY AT THIS TYPE OF GAME LIKE AT LEAST SEARCH UP **** EMPIRE
Aug 26, 2020
2020 any one??
Jul 21, 2020
suck me dad
May 8, 2020
I'm getting paid to provide legendary service and play these games show me dat dik or die
Feb 20, 2020
Can you add in a world tour version where we can go against other people .
Jan 15, 2020
shoutout texas! **** what ya heard 512 my city *****
Sep 24, 2013
fuke u negas
Jun 26, 2012
i love ***** and my name is alex ganci.. and me up omn facebook i need a butt buddy :)
Jun 26, 2012
I LOVE THIS GAME. I LIKE GUNS IN ME BABY.. IM SOO HORNED UP ;) SUCK ME!!
Jun 21, 2012
that prostitute was ****
Jun 21, 2012
i would totally **** that prostatute
Instructions

Attempt to become the most feared gunslinger in the land by defeating all those who stand in your way. GunBlood pits your reflexes against nine computer opponents in one-on-one gun fights and includes four bonus rounds. High scores are tabulated according to accuracy, speed, and your life remaining after each round.

At the start of each level, the player and computer opponent each start with 6 shots. If both players are alive and no shots are remaining, the match will end in a draw to be re-played.

During each of the four bonus rounds, the goal is to hit the target objects and NOT the assistant. There is a different bonus round after every two rounds of gun battles.

Controls / How To Play:

1) Select 'Start Game' and choose a character from the character select screen.

2) Begin the round by placing your cursor over your gun barrel located at the lower left-hand corner of the game screen.

3) The cursor must remain over the barrel during the countdown or the game will become paused.

4) When the countdown reaches 'FIRE', aim with the mouse and shoot by clicking the mouse button.

GAME CHEATS:

FASTFIRE (click and shoot faster)

POINTER (add laser pointer to the gun)

NOHIT (invincible mode)

MOREAMMO (unlimited ammo)

LEVEL CODES:

LEVEL1

LEVEL2

LEVEL3

LEVEL4

LEVEL5

LEVEL6

LEVEL7

LEVEL8

LEVEL9

BONUS1

BONUS2

BONUS3

BONUS4